My Writing Inventory

I have been a writer my entire life--though I have mixed feelings about it. Writing for middle and high school classes was always a requirement that never linked with my love for the written word. These classes always criticized my grammar and diction. I was never given the opportunity to write what I wanted. I was trained in the art of essays but not in writing something that had meaning behind it. I was in the International Baccalaureate (IB) Programme for my junior and senior years of high school. It caused me great pain at the time, but made me an expert at writing analytical essays. IB wants students to think independently and see every perspective of a situation. If you are looking at a book written in Europe in the 17th Century, they want you to see the connections that it has with Asian History or the sciences or how people think. They want you to make connections between various subjects. IB taught me that things are never black and white and never affect only one aspect of life. It’s more than just knowing the facts. It’s knowing the facts, taking them, and drawing conclusions from them. Even so, the classes are all about being analytical. In IB English you focus simply on analyzing other people’s work. It is not creative writing. It’s appreciating someone else’s work--not creating your own art. This has caused me to automatically analyze any book I read, looking for the author’s intent or the use of motifs to move the plot along. Those two years of writing commentaries has ingrained that style into my head--I feel as though I am unable to escape it.

Even when a creative writing class was thrown into the mix, it never interested me and it made me nervous. When the time came to write a short story or a poem, I felt inadequate. I created something I absolutely despised. With that said, I write personal narratives all the time. I write in a journal about my daily life and thoughts. I write for my own benefit. It isn’t necessarily creative writing nor is it all analytical. It is just something that defines me. If I find a quote or a line in a book that speaks to me, I write it down. For example: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” (Mark Twain). It makes me think. I wonder if I agree with the statement; I connect it to my own life and how I think about death.

I dissect these quotes, connect them to my life, and keep them forever in my journals. If I have a good day, or a bad day, I write it all down. Whether I am in love or in complete disarray, I write. When I got a turtle, when I go on a great run, when my parents have another petty fight, when I think about dying--I write. I write in a journal for the sake of my sanity, so I don't lose my feelings and my thoughts in the jumble that is my life. Everything I write about influences me. They change my perspectives and work to calm my racing mind. Some of this was gained from my time in IB. Part of it is because I keep my emotions bottled up and this was a release. Writing has become part of who I am.

What writing has done--in every setting-- is make me who I am today. It has shaped me to become this analytical person. I search and think about something until it is absolutely exhausted. It has shaped me to put my life into written words in order to find clarity. I have despised writing. I have loved it, been drawn to it, and been moved by it. It is such a large part of my life--even if I don’t want it to be.